The Relative in Noida

My uncle recently purchased an executive 2BHK flat in a freshly minted township in a desolate corner of a remote desert in Noida. If you are not a Delhiite, let me break it to you- if you take a Chandrayan from Rajeev Chowk, it would still take four generations to reach Noida. A rational being would prefer watching Noida on YouTube to traveling to the place, but those, who necessitated by the chains of corporate slavery must commute, experience a gradual disintegration of their souls into tatters of boredom, exhaustion and frustration. 

Noida reminds me of early colonial settlements, with patches of urbanity cultivated the middle of wilderness. Cows and buffalos hurtling beside the Range Rover. Colossal underconstruction towers beside huts and grasses. Trees dwarfed by buildings. Sun on cement. Bridges over bridges. 

Noida begins where the metro ends. And then, people take cabs and ride for another eon to reach whichever self-sustaining township they belong to. Noida township are akin to the Gandhian Village republic, except that it lacks Gandhian compassion, is not technically a village and cannot be a republic. Everyone works in the IT and still manages food and goods somehow. The profession of the residents though is the least monotonous aspect of the township. The glaring piece of monotony is the very physical form of the township, with blocks of same flats stacked over each other, as if someone copy-pasted the entire township out of a 3D printer. They put numbers outside every flat, because if they didn’t, even a triumvirate of Sherlock, Poirot and Langdon would fail to walk out of this labyrinth. 

Anyways, I only went there to meet my mother, who, like Dora the Explorer, is on a wandering spree with a bag. She’ll spend some days in Delhi and then fly to Bangalore where she’d live with my brother for some days. Apparently, her health improves miraculously when she is out of our homeland. 

So my mother hugged me for about an eternity when I found her on the railway platform. My uncle probably didn’t want to buy a platform ticket, so he waited outside. Meanwhile, my mother secretly passed the dragonfruits and sweets into my bag. After discussing ‘what should we get for the kids? (my cousins)’, and failing to reach an agreement (she wanted to buy multiple cheap four wheelers, while I pressed for one but decent vehicle), we decided to not trouble my uncle who had launched on us a volley of missed calls. Sometimes, I feel my family deserves a star plus soap opera. 

In his newly purchased car, with a newly purchased car air freshener, we zoomed along the highway. He played devotional songs as I read the newspaper. My mother tried to lure me into bitchy conversations about her neighbors, but seeing I was absorbed in the propulsion module of Chandrayan, she decided to talk to her brother instead. My uncle responded with typical corporate enthusiasm, something typical of him, and drove like he had all the time in the world. Eventually, when the sun was about to disintegrate, we made it to the gated society. There were guards with registers and everything, and they opened the gate to an entirely enveloped ecosystem. All the buildings looked the same. 

We took the lift to reach the fourth floor, and had to wait till my aunt confirmed on the door monitor that there was no burglar outside. We met and did the traditional namaste, after which my mother gave them some sweets and fruits and clothes and rice and corn flour and grocery. My aunt had some food prepared, which she heated and arranged neatly in the thali. Then she began watching some maha-episode on tv. 

The kids came late from the school, and first they looked at me with reservation, only to become way too comfortable around me later. So much so that the little devil would erupt with joy every time he smacked my face with the plastic ball. The elder sister was bearable and well mannered. But soon, I gained the boy’s trust by helping him with the jigsaw puzzle and gaslighting him into believing he was Superman. I even picked him up and made him fly horizontally for a while. As a result of all this trickery, he soon became my bro and confessed to me that he had a girlfriend next door. Yeah, the 4 year old had a 4 year old girlfriend. When my mother came to know about it, at first she laughed it off, but when Uncle and Aunt confirmed the news (along with statements of their strong disapproval), she put forward the theory that these two must have been husband and wife in the past life. She had been following someone called Bakeshwar baba for a while, so I wasn’t shocked. 

Anyways, the little devil showed me her house, and said she was sick these days and so he was sad. But soon, he forgot all about her and started looking for frogs behind the shrubs. When I asked him if he was afraid of ghosts, he said he knew a ghost that hung upside down in their hall. Now it was my turn to be scared. 

In the evening, we went to the weekly market to get the weekly supply of grocery. Uncle decided to stay in the car and manage the kids while I accompanied them with free labor. NEVER GO ON WEEKLY GROCERY SHOPPING WITH TWO LADIES. Because the amount of food they bought could end malnutrition in India, and my hands became numb from lifting those gunny bags. 

The kids were crying so we shut them up with Bingo. The little devil with a girlfriend had stopped going potty a few days ago, so we had to take him to a doctor. They chose a homeopathy doctor, so this time I stayed in the car. 

At night, aunty cooked some kheer and parwal- deadly combination- and fed us. When everyone finished eating, she ate alone, in the dark, and did the dishes for an hour. Earlier, I had cleaned my own plate, but she was quite shocked by that and forbade me from entering the kitchen, so while everybody slept and snored, I felt bad for her. 

The night was chilly as the winds swooped in without knocking. I gazed at the city from the balcony for a while, only to discover a few twinkling settlements dispersed in a charcoal black tapestry. 

In the morning, I decided to head back to my flat. My mother would have wanted me stay for a few days, but I had exams and all. So with a heavy heart, we decided to say goodbye for a while. 

My plan was to book a cab till metro. 

“I will drop you. ” My uncle said. I don’t know whether it was the manner in which he said it, or whether it was the fact that his body was nearly spherical, I didn’t want to trust him. But my mother insisted I let him drop me, so I agreed. Worst decision ever. 

He dropped me a few miles ahead, at a crossroad, in the middle of nowhere, and said I should get an auto from here. 

“It’s not very far. ” He said. And waited for me till I managed to find an auto and slide into it. 

When I reached home, I was furious. So I called my mother and pleaded with her to seriously consider claiming a stake in her ancestral property. It didn’t work.